Tears

Tears of sadness today. Tears of happiness tomorrow.

It happened this week.  I hit that point where I wondered what the hell have I gotten myself into.  A little gray cloud has been peaking over my shoulder since before Jocelyn was even born.  It was this gray cloud that warned even with all the sunshine that I needed to be prepared for cloudy days as well.

Tuesday was a cloudy day.  The night before Jocelyn, my three and a half week little love was up several times throughout the night.   I am thankful she has been a great sleeper so far, but the lack of sleep was unexpected.  Starting the day sleep deprived, I knew this could be a tough one for me.
The morning routine before Kirby headed off to work was business as usual.  Soon after, things went spiraling downhill.  When one little love stopped crying the other started.  Charlie, my 18 month old, try to boycott his morning nap.  After fifteen minutes he finally fell asleep but 45 minutes later he was up.  Typically his morning nap is about an hour and a half and I could have used every minute on Tuesday.  During his short nap, Jocelyn continued to be fussy to the point where I took her temperature thinking something might be wrong.  No temperature- thank goodness!  And thus the morning continued with tears and whining and an even crankier Charlie.
I needed to get out of the house!!  Determined to get out for a walk I fought through tears and screaming to get one in the stroller and the other in the front carrier .  Jocelyn slept the whole time in the front carrier and Charlie was content to be outside. I should have walked all afternoon, because upon our return, the afternoon reeled its ugly head and it was like the morning all over again.  Except Jocelyn spit up all over herself requiring a full change of clothes which she was not happy about.  And Rascal, our goldendoodle, threw up, just adding to the madness.
When Kirby finally came home (really it was his normal time but it seemed like days later) he took Rascal for a walk and brought Charlie along.   I wanted to still be a good wife and get dinner out on the table for my family, but Jocelyn was crying away.  That is when the tears began flowing!
I had been outnumbered and overwhelmed by my two little loves all day and now I still felt outnumbered and overwhelmed by just one!
Tears of sadness today.

Tuesday night Jocelyn slept like a dream giving me a four stretch and then a 3 and a half hour stretch.  I woke up Wednesday feeling refreshed and ready to have a great day!  And a great day it was!   We had so much fun playing that by the afternoon the two of them were so worn out that they napped at the same time.  In the peace and quiet of this otherwise crazy house, I was left to my thoughts.  How lucky am I to have a husband who not only supports my desires to be a stay at home mom, but also believes this is the best decision for our kids.  How lucky am I to have two beautiful and more importantly, healthy children. 
I wanted and still want to be a stay at home mom so I can catch as many of the moments, big and little, as possible.  This isn't to say that working moms don't want and do the same things.  I am well aware of a working mom's desire to catch all the moments, as I taught all last year through Charlie's first steps, learning to climb stairs, trying new foods, learning new words etc. etc. etc. 
Today I was so thankful to be a stay at home mom because today I crept upstairs, scooped Charlie out of his crib well before his nap was over and let him snuggle into me.  He didn't fall back asleep but he just lay there content in his thoughts and cuddling with his mommy.  That is when the tears began flowing!  My little boys is growing up so fast and I want to soak all this in while I can. These are the little moments,  the ones I am so blessed to be living and enjoying. 
Tears of happiness tomorrow.